I wrote the last post back in August with the passing of my brother and never posted it until now. It has been sitting in my saved draft box for 5 months now. I haven't even looked at for some fear of what I wrote, not really sure how it would make me feel. I don't really remember the month of August. It all seems like such a blur now but then there are the moments that make it seem like it was just yesterday. I can remember the sounds around me, the exact words said to me, what the hospital room looked like, how I was living in my own little world of hell while the outside world went on without me and the sun kept right on shining so brightly in the sky.
But today the sun was not shining. The clouds came and not only covered the sky and made it gray and gloomy but my mood as well. I smiled to myself that the weather actually matched my emotions. I did not want the sun to shine today. I did not want to feel happy. I craved the gloom and despair like a child craves the sweet delicious taste of candy. I did not mind the rain beating down upon my face.
Today seemed like a fitting day to finally post this and to help me get some closure as today is Vince's birthday. He would have been 43 today. I always call my siblings on their birthdays and it was one less phone call I got to make today. I remember last year when I called him, I can still hear his voice telling me, "Awe, sissy, thanks for calling. You have always been good about remembering everyone's birthday. It's good to hear from you and I miss ya and I love ya."
It's still hard to believe he is gone. Does the pain ever really go away? Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I think what hurts the most is when Rayna says she misses Uncle Vinnie. Just this past Saturday we were in the car and the song "I will Raise" by Chris Tomlin came on the radio. It is her favorite song as well as one of mine. In the song it talks about how Jesus has overcome the grave and the victory is won. So my sweet, darling, precious daughter of only 5 years old, says to me, "Mommy, when he sings that part about overcoming the grave, it really makes me think about Uncle Vinnie and how much I miss him."
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